She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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