just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
