one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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