I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
did i walk over a car last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize