I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
