I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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