yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
is wine microwaveable?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You took a bar mat shot.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
