I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
