dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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