Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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