i was born a porn star she said
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
