your thong is hanging out like whoa
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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