Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
