Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
