Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
