You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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