is your mom at the bar?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
