He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
