Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
my liver is dry heaving
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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