Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone came in the potted fern
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
