I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
