so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
