she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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