They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
