he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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