Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
