Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How does one acquire holy water?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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