Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
