If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
