My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
