my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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