i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
