we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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