UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
