i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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