so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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