he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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