You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
how drunk are you?
Several
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
