I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
