You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
