Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
