gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
