So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
