Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
