Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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