I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
