I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
