My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
