I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
