My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
pray to the hookup gods
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
