I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize