Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
