i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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