don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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