Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
