I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
