He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
