Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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