just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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